RELEVANT

 

1. The quality or state of being relevant; pertinent; applicability.
2. Sufficiency to infer the conclusion.
3. The property or state of being relevant or pertinent.

Many of us are looking for our place in the order of things. We have a desire to be relevant at some level. There are those fortunate few who are content in whatever circumstance they find themselves. But for the rest of us, whether we acknowledge it or not, we are constantly searching for some semblance of relevance, or even, in some small way, a bit of significance.

There are myriads of reasons that people look for relevancy, whether it is for recognition, confirmation, affirmation, the need to feel wanted, appreciated or loved. But the reasons for this are subjects of their own. And I don’t want to delve into why people are that way or how they got there. I want to relate this matter of seeking relevancy to those within the church.

Before I go any further, I will confess that I have been one of those who suffered this malady, and I will tell you from observation, from study and from personal experience, being relevant or receiving recognition, confirmation, affirmation, the need to feel wanted, appreciated or loved does not satisfy this craving. It only stokes the fires of passion within. And unless this is properly dealt with, for the unfortunate, it can go from a need to a craving and for many it can turn into the psychosis of narcissism.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial matters. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships troubled and unfulfilling, and other people may not enjoy being around them. This is a truly serious matter and can have devastating effects, especially in the church.

It can be seen in those who crave positions within the church for visibility, individuality or influence, and recognition for admiration. Some common traits of people with narcissistic behavior that you may be able to spot are:

1. A Sense of Entitlement

A common sign of people with narcissism is the belief that their opinions are superior to others and deserve special recognition. They believe that others should be accepting and more obedient to their views and wishes, and that all the rules don’t necessarily apply to them.

2. Manipulative Behavior

Another common trait of narcissism is manipulative or controlling behavior. A narcissist will at first try to please you and impress you, but eventually, their own needs will always come first.

When relating to other people, narcissists will try to keep people at a certain distance in order to maintain control. They may even exploit others to gain something for themselves.

3. Need for Admiration

One of the most common signs of a narcissist is a constant need for praise or admiration. People with this behavior need to feel validation from others and often brag or exaggerate their accomplishments for recognition. They also like to feel appreciated in order to boost their ego.

In the church, this is manifested in their superiority of Spiritual abilities, Spiritual gifting and leadership skills and accomplishments.

4. Lack of Empathy

Lack of empathy is another sign of narcissism. This means that the narcissist is unwilling or unable to empathize with the needs, wants, or feelings of other people. They prefer to be in charge without collaborative groups. This also makes it difficult for them to take responsibility for their own behavior.

5. Spiritual Superiority or Arrogance

People with narcissistic behavior already see themselves or their opinions as superior to others, so they may become curt, rude or abusive when they don’t receive the treatment or recognition they think they deserve. While they hold themselves superior, they may speak or act rudely toward those that they deem as holding faulty views or are spiritually inferior.

Other signs include:

• A sense of self-importance, exaggerating their achievements and talents.
• A preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, or brilliance.
• A belief that they’re more special or unique in particular areas than others and should only seek out other high-status people for associations.
• Envy of others or the belief that others are envious of them.
• Insisting they have the best views of everything.
• Feeling they deserve certain privileges and treatment.

This is sometimes seen in the leadership of a church. But it is particularly dangerous when it comes from the pulpit or from the pastor. This type of narcissism is sometimes considered as spiritual abuse.

Sometime misnamed as “visionary”,  “a controlling personality” or a “strict leadership”, narcissism is a psychosis and is usually well hidden behind what seem to be good intentions by the perpetrator.

Spiritual abuse is when a spiritual leader, such as a pastor, uses their power and influence to manipulate and control people.  A spiritual abuser is not concerned with promoting the well-being of those he serves. Rather, he’s only interested in how people can further his plans and agenda.

Few things cause Christians to become disillusioned more than being ripped to pieces by spiritual abuse in the church. Few things do more to sully the name of Jesus more than abusive spiritual leaders.

There are few things more dangerous to a church than a pastor who is extraordinarily endowed on the gifting side and extraordinarily deficient on the character side. That guy is a decaying tie rod waiting to break. The progress can be impressive until the character collapses.

Here are six bright red warning signs of spiritual abuse.

1. He surrounds himself with “yes” people.
2. Critics are isolated.
3. Loyalty is prized over diversity.
4. Refusing accountability.
5. Leading by force of personality.
6. Refusing to believe anything is wrong.

There are ways to cope with a narcissistic person whom you cannot avoid, like a close family member or a work associate. But within the church, it becomes difficult to improbable. If you try to avoid a narcissist in a close community, like a church, they will seek you out to correct you publicly, by any and all means necessary. So, avoidance rarely works there. In these situations, if you are confronted by a narcissistic person, be polite, do not engage in conversation, just move along. They will eventually move on to someone else.

If it is a pastor in the church, you probably should find another church. Your church is suffering from a psychosis.

You cannot “fix” a narcissist. DO NOT TRY. Don’t condemn them. Don’t argue with them. Don’t try to befriend them to win them over. Do not try to socialize with them. Do not talk about them.

Do pray for them, privately. Do love them from afar. Do be polite to them. Do keep your distance.

If you have been negatively affected by someone like this, feeling of betrayal, disappointment, hurt, anger, sorrow and distrust are normal, but you must get healing and move past them. If you do not, the effects will continue to wear you down.

1. Pray to God for relief and wisdom.
2. It is natural to grieve. But, it is also natural to get past this stage and end it.
3. Seek Counselling.
4. Find a confidant who does not know the offending parties or the church.
5. Forgive as you are able.

If you find any of the traits mentioned in your own life, here is what you can do.

1. Begin to pray honestly to God for wisdom.
2. Get counselling.
3. Deliberately avoid seeking any position or opportunity for recognition or praise.
4. Find, study and memorize Bible verses about servanthood of the believer.
5. Go to a confidant or your pastor and talk about your concerns.
6. Trust God. He has this and He has you.

Having done these things, you have taken the step necessary to putting Jesus back on the throne of your life. I know it is much easier to give this advice than it is to do these things. But you can and you will.

“Have this attitude in yourself which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but emptied Himself by taking the form of a bond servant.”

Your Brother and friend,

Mike Young